How to express sympathy to a bereaved friend, and what sort of gift would be appropriate?
March 9, 2010 | In: Sympathy Gifts
Yes, I know that sounds strange. A gift for someone who lost her daughter a few months ago. I would like suggestions.
1. This is a friend who I’ve never met in real life. She lives in another country. It’s someone I’ve talked to over the phone, and chatted with online quite a bit for more than five years.
2. Her daughter was a young woman, in her early twenties. It was a very sudden death – tragic and traumatic.
3. I was going to send flowers, but I didn’t.
4. I talked to her when it happened, and for the week or so t hat followed, several times. But since then, I haven’t talked to her.
5. I know, a gift might seem an odd thing, under the circumstances. But if I have a price limit of a hundred dollars or so, what would you suggest?
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5 Responses to How to express sympathy to a bereaved friend, and what sort of gift would be appropriate?
FallenAngel
March 9th, 2010 at 10:37 pm
Best gift is to send in the money – so that the friend can use it for something that is really needed, just in case. And it is the thought and consideration that counts, and the recipient will appreciate it.
Schnizelle
March 9th, 2010 at 11:27 pm
A gift is an awkward choice in this situation. One only needs send flowers for the funeral and a card and if you are close, go bring food and help them with little chores until they are functioning.
As you can’t physically help and weren’t able to send flowers, the most appropriate thing is to send a card. A gift would only confuse the poor woman (I know i’d be confused if I got a gift during a funeral). If you really really want to donate something, perhaps donate to a charity on behalf of the family and let them know.
rmbrruffian
March 10th, 2010 at 12:22 am
I think I would still send the flowers. Not funerary flowers, but a lovely bouquet telling her you are thinking of her, and apologizing for not being in contact with her for so long (if it was you who has not contacted her).
I would also let her know that you are available to talk if she needs or wants to.
Ellen Etc.
March 10th, 2010 at 1:02 am
You don’t need anything expensive, trust me, it won’t make up for the loss of your friend’s daughter.
I have a casual church friend who is also in my meditation group, whose 20-something daughter died in surgery a year or so ago.
At a crafts fair, I saw a little Buddhist figurine (a “jizo”), and the vendor was telling me it is used by parents whose children have died. You could look this up on Wikipedia and see the beautiful images. I wrapped it up and took it to my friend’s house and told her I had been thinking of her and her daughter. She was very moved and grateful.
So a small religious symbol (depending on your friend’s religion), maybe something to hang on the wall, would be a comfort. If not, a book of poetry by a spiritual poet like Mary Oliver would be good, or the anthology by Garrison Keillor called “Good Poems for Hard Times.”
In the card just say that you think of her and her daughter frequently and that you wanted to send something to let her know that even though you haven’t been in touch as much, you haven’t forgotten about her and will call her soon. Put it on your calendar for after the gift will have arrived, and make sure you call.
If you feel you need to spend money, make a donation to a charity in the daughter’s name. Pet rescue, if she loved animals, or hospice if she had been ill for a while — something like that.
You’re very kind to care, and that will come through.
June B
March 10th, 2010 at 1:14 am
The gift of your time and friendship is all that is necessary. She may need to tell the same stories over and over and she needs someone to listen. Call her or email her. You’ll both be glad you did.